5 Things I do to Reduce the Traumatic Impact of Divorce on my Children

Tips from a trauma therapist who's been there.

One of the biggest fears (if not the biggest fear) people have when getting divorced is what the impact will be on the children. In fact, that’s what keeps a lot of people staying in their marriage longer than they otherwise would: the children.

Here are 5 practical things I do to minimize the traumatic impact on my children:

Tip #1 - I don’t make my emotions about the divorce their responsibility.

When my kids come back from their dad’s house, I don’t say things like:

• “did you miss me?”

• “whose house do you like being at more?”

• “I was lonely without you.”

I take a moment to breathe, lower my heartrate, and soften my face. More than my words, my kids pick up on the expectant, tense emotion that those phrases carry. That tension is what then creates an unfair burden for my children. My emotions about divorce are not their responsibility.

Tip #2 - Keep their routines as steady as possible.

Our favorite tradition is Sunday Supper. On Sunday nights when my kids return from their dad’s house, we always have the same silly dinner: cinnamon toast, popcorn, apples with peanut butter, and chocolate milk. I don’t have to cook, I don’t have to worry about meal prep, it’s groceries I always have on hand, and it’s low-cost for the weeks when the budget is tight. This serves so many useful purposes. First, it’s predictable. The kids take comfort in knowing exactly what to expect when they come home. There won’t be unpredictable noise, people, or activities scheduled. They get time for quiet, peaceful, nurturing re-connection without being overstimulated or overwhelmed. Second, it’s special. We don’t have screens, we move the furniture aside and take out a special green quilt that’s reserved just for Sunday Supper, and we get reacquainted. We feel back into each other’s rhythms and idiosyncrasies. Third, it’s silly. It’s silly to have popcorn for dinner. It’s silly to sit on the floor. It gives the kids something fun and lighthearted to look forward to, even during the times when they’re feeling extra anxious or sad about the transition.

"A broken family is any family in which a member must break herself into pieces to fit in. A whole family is any family, regardless of structure, in which each member can bring her full self to the table knowing that she will always be both held and free." - Glennon Doyle in Untamed

Tip #3 - Don’t fight in front of the kids (DUH!)

This is an obvious one, but not always simple. Studies show that fighting in front of the children creates a worse outcome than the separation itself. Practice phrases like:

• “I’m not going there with you right now.”

• “I’m not comfortable having this conversation in front of the kids.”

• “This isn’t the right time for this conversation.”

• “Email me!”

You can’t control the other person’s behavior, but you can control your own boundaries. If those phrases aren’t working for you and you still find yourself in arguments at transition times, then try something else like dropping off at a grandparents’ house or at school, and only communicating within a co-parenting app that moderates language.

Tip #4 - Foster your kids’ relationship with their other parent.

It’s okay to model a supportive, respectful relationship.

• Help your kids bake cookies for his birthday!

• Help them make a card for Father’s Day!

• Invite him to the baseball game even if it’s on your night!

• Remind him about the parent-teacher conference even if you’d feel smug about him forgetting!

This can be a tough one to swallow, but at the end of the day that’s still your children’s parent. Keep in mind that what’s best for the kids is to have a secure attachment with both parents (when possible). So, even if it sometimes requires extra emotional or logistical effort on your part, it’s still worth it.

Tip #5 - Trust your own internal voice.

Don’t let these tips (especially #4) make you think that you should abandon your sense of what is safe and right for the sake of the relationship between your ex and your kids. If you are experiencing distress, if there’s a safety concern, or if you are being continually taken advantage of, use that inner protesting voice to boost your confidence and bolster your boundaries. Don’t abandon yourself! Get in touch with an attorney, talk to your therapist, call a friend, trust your gut. Because at the end of the day, what your kids need the most is YOU. There aren’t enough blog posts in the world to describe your particular set of circumstances. You’re the one who has the agency and authority to make decisions about what works best for your family. Your kids need a sturdy, mature, adult who they can trust to make the harder decisions, whether that’s a change in custody, moving to a new place, or further limiting contact with your ex.

Figure out what works for you!

I’ve learned a lot over the past 6 years of being divorced on top of being a trauma therapist who specializes in complex childhood and attachment trauma. Some of these things are things I just started doing and they happened to work. Some of them are things I’ve researched and learned about. If these resonate with you, leave a comment and let me know what else you do to navigate divorce and co-parenting.